I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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