once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize