OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
