i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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