ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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