Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
