Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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