She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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