Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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