Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
