Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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