So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
