my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
