I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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