I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you will always have a special place in my vag
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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