On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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