I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
