I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize