my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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