Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize