I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize