good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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