you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
