i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
