how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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