how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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