I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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