How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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