hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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