I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize