Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
