I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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