i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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