I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize