Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
