Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
