Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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