My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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