I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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