I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
