I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
