he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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