So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
