Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
