barbara walters just said penis...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
