My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize