yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
