My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
