Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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