My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
