I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
