Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
