Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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