Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
