there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize