All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
