AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I've blown a few things in my day
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
