Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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