Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
