so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
