How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
