Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
