Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
