just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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