Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
