We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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