I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
