remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
