I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
