Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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