Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
